Abstinence

Why do people choose abstinence?

Abstinence can protect against sexually transmitted infections such as Chlamydia, Nongonoccocal/Nonspecific Urethritis, HIV, Herpes, Gonorrhea, Syphilis, Hepatitis B and Hepatitis C and HPV (Human Papilloma Virus). Rutgers Student Health Centers have close to 4500 visits each year for STIs.

The decision to have sexual intercourse, regardless of how careful you are with latex, nonoxynol-9 spermicidal condoms, still leaves a small degree of risk. Technological innovation in contraception does not equal the 100% success rate of abstinence in preventing pregnancy.

Moral decision

Abstinence can express your own religious and socially ethical beliefs. Many people believe that sexual intimacy belongs in the context of a serious relationship, where there is a strong degree of mutual commitment.

Doctors orders (Medical Reasons)

Abstinence is often necessary during treatment of an STI or urinary tract infection, for post-operative recovery from procedures such as episiotomy or vasectomy, or late in the third trimester of pregnancy.

Wont abstinence hurt my relationship?

Abstinence may actually help your relationship by postponing intercourse until you both feel "ready." Bear in mind though, being "ready" is a very personal decision...and that decision is up to you. Choosing to abstain means you are saying "No" to intercourse, but not necessarily saying "No" to intimacy. There are many other intimate sexual activities that you may want to say "yes" to.

What are some alternatives to intercourse?

When asked this question, University students say:
holding hands, massage, masturbation, erotic touching, dancing, sharing fantasy, kissing and hugging...

"But those cant possibly be as good as the real thing... or can they?"

Abstinence for many can actually be more fun than intercourse. By avoiding intercourse, you and your partner may be more relaxed because you avoid many stressors associated with intercourse, such as heightened emotional attachment (possibly elevating the seriousness of a relationship prematurely), risk of infection, and in heterosexual relationships, the risk of pregnancy. Start by recognizing what some of the pressures are: societal views, media and peers. Talk to your partner, friends or a trusted advisor about your thoughts.

How does masturbation fit into this?

Its up to you. For some, masturbation can be an excellent option, providing pleasure and release. And contrary to folk tales, masturbation does not cause insanity, warts, blindness, or hair growth on the palms of the hands.

Some issues/tips to discuss with a partner if youre in a relationship...

Say firmly and convincingly. The decision to have or not have sex is YOUR own right... dont let anyone else make that decision for you.

Practice saying in a variety of ways:

• Im not ready.
• NO way!
• I dont want to.
• Ive decided to abstain for a while.
• If you really love me, you wont keep pressuring me.
• I express my sexuality in ways that do not involve intercourse.

Avoid letting alcohol or other drugs cloud your judgment. Stay out of high pressure situations: an empty house or dorm room; groups of people (especially peers) who only believe youre somebody once youve had intercourse.

Decide in advance exactly what type of sexual activities YOU want and what type you dont want; discuss these with your partner clearly and in advance... in bed is often too late.

If in a heterosexual relationship, discuss stereotypes... why it seems okay for men to pressure women to have sex, yet women are called sluts if they have sex. On the other hand, if a woman chooses abstinence she is called "frigid" or "prude."

Ask yourself:

• Why am I having sex?
• For myself? For my partner?
• For my friends/peers?
• Do I feel pressured?
• By whom?
• Do I trust my partner?
• Am I going to regret this decision tomorrow morning?
• Next week?
• Next year?

Choosing not to have sexual intercourse allows people to make a deliberate decision about when, where, and how to express their sexuality. When and if you decide to have vaginal, oral and/or anal intercourse, youll need to have contraception and/or condoms available.

Even if youve had sexual intercourse in the PAST, you still have the right to abstain from it NOW.

You may be ready if:

1. You feel guilt-free and comfortable about your present level of interpersonal involvement.
2. You feel comfortable with your partner.
3. Neither partner is pressuring the other for sex.
4. You are not trying to:

• Prove your love for the other person
• Increase your self worth
• Prove your maturity
• Show that you can attract a sexual partner
• Bargain for attention, affection, or love
• Rebel against parent, society, or others

5. You will be expressing your current feelings rather than attempting to improve a poor relationship or one that is "growing cold."
6. You can discuss the potential of contracting or transmitting sexually transmitted infections, and the responsibility to prevent them.
7. You have discussed and agreed on an effective method of contraception and share the details, responsibilities, and costs of using this method, if necessary.
8. If pregnancy is a concern, you have discussed and agreed on what both of you will do if conceptions occurs, because no contraceptive method is 100% effective.

Scale adapted from:
"Are You Ready or Sex?"
Informed Consent for Sexuality Intimacy.
ER Allgeier, SIECUS Report XIII:6
(July 1985)

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