Aarons Story*

I was twelve the first time I used drugs. I had been through plenty of drug education classes, but I thought they were a sham and that drugs were really cool. I kept using drugs-mostly pot-all through high school, and when I went away to college, things just got worse. I dove right into something that was over my head. I was living in a dorm with no parents on my back and no one making me go to class-it seems like you dont get up and go to class one day and suddenly its been months since youve even left the dorm. Im not blaming my environment because I made the choices, but its easy to get caught up in unhealthy patterns of behavior in that situation. I was hanging out with other users, doing everything but heroin. We were a menace to the small community we were living in, but I was so absorbed in myself that I didnt see it. I thought that I was invincible; I thought that all college kids were doing this, but thats not true. What I was doing was much more serious than drinking at frat parties and football games. Finally the school sent me a letter saying that I had to leave the university and get help. I thought that I didnt need help, that I was cool, and that if I could just get out of the dorm or if I just had more money, then everything would be okay.

I had no choice, so I called my parents and told them. My dad flew out to where I was going to school and said, Aaron, you have two choices. I have $50 in my wallet. Ill give that to you, and you can stay here and do what you need to do or you can come back with me tomorrow to New Jersey and get some help. I did a lot of soul-searching that night. I was eighteen years old and ready to be dead. I felt like I was done, like every hope and aspiration I had was shattered and I had nowhere to go. I was so afraid to ask for help because I thought I could handle itI couldnt, but I wanted to think that I could. Then I looked at myself honestly for the first time and thought, Why dont you make a good decision and not one based on instant gratification and getting fucked up? I knew that my dad was right and that if I stayed things were just going to get worse, so I called him at the hotel and said I would go with him.

I havent used drugs since that day. I was in a treatment program for a couple of months, and I got some more help outside of that. What worked for me was twelve-step recovery, but my familys support was also very important. After I was clean, I knew that I couldnt deal with going back to school, so I went to work full-time in a factory. It was what I needed at the time, being around people who were older and dealing with the real world. Then I took one night class at the community college. The next semester, I took two night classes. For two years, I was working and slowly getting back into school. By that time, my parents had started to regain some trust in me and were more willing to support me financially, so I went to school full-time and got my associates degree. Then I decided to come to Rutgers to finish college.

I dont think Im the normal college guy. The experiences Ive been through have helped me to be a better student and a more productive member of this community, but at the same time I feel a little displaced. Theres been an internal shift in my perception of the world. Its been hard learning how to live my life and adjusting to being young and somewhat different. Im just one of those anonymous faces that walks the quad at two in the afternoon; behind all of those faces is a story, but mines a little unusual, I guess. I appreciate my opportunities more because I once had it hand-delivered to me and I completely shot it to hell. Ive always wanted to go to college and be successful and then I made choices that made those dreams impossible, so coming here was an important step for me.

I havent put a chemical in my body in four and a half years and I still think about it all the time. My acceptance of my experience is ongoing-theres no successful way for me to use drugs, as much as my head sometimes tells me that its possible, and thats something I have to tell myself every day. I have to remain vigilant in continuing my recovery process. It takes a lot of support from other people, a lot of internal honesty, and a lot of commitment on my part, which has been really hard to do. Some days I want to sabotage it all, but I dont because I know that Ive come a long way. People who knew me when I was younger are amazed. To tell the truth, Im amazed myself.

Last Modified 12/22/2005