Allison's Story*

When I was a sophomore, I had an acute episode of mania. I felt like I was on top of the world; I thought that everyone thought I was great, and I did things I wouldnt normally do. Im usually pretty shy, but one day I burst into a frat and demanded to talk to a guy I knew. I thought I was getting messages that I needed to talk to him from everyone around me-even in class, the professor would be lecturing and I would really read into what he was saying, thinking that there was another message that I should talk to this guy. Finally he took me to the health center. They recognized that it was mental illness, but thought it was too serious for them to handle, so they called my parents to come pick me up. I was hospitalized at home on the maximum security ward because I was getting aggressive and hostile, although I was never violent. I didnt think anything was wrong and I refused to take medication for the first few days. After I decided to take it, I gradually came down from the mania and back to reality. It was kind of a let-down, because when youre manic you feel like the whole world revolves around you and when you get better, youre just a normal person like everybody else. Its hard to admit that theres something wrong because you feel elated and you want to stay that way because its such a great feeling.

With that episode, I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and put on medication. In a way, the diagnosis was a relief because I knew it was a problem with my brain chemistry and not a character weakness. I really didnt think that it would happen again, but then I started getting depressed and having thought problems. For instance, I was so self-conscious that it amounted to paranoia-I thought everyone was talking about me, even people on the radio or on TV. I also felt guilty, like I was a bad person, and very withdrawn, like I wasnt supposed to talk to people for some reason. This time I was more eager to be treated because I was depressed and it was such a horrible feeling compared to being manic. At the same time, though, Ive always had a resistance to treatment that comes with paranoia; I thought I was fine and that I didnt need anybody to treat me, thats how out of touch I was with reality. You get too far into it and cant step back and see that something is wrong.

For my second episode, my doctor recommended electroconvulsive therapy, which is also known as shock therapy. We discussed it, and because I had a lot of confidence in my doctor, I decided to do it. It sounds very different than it is; its actually a very safe procedure. They put you to sleep with anesthesia, then use electrodes to run an electrical current through your brain that causes a seizure and improves your mood. They dont know exactly how it works, only that its very effective. Its not a pleasant thing to have done-I dont like going under anesthesia, there is some memory loss from the period right before you have it done (although it comes back later), and you are a little disoriented at first when you wake up. But you do feel better immediately, and I was relieved to find something that could help me. Theres still a lot of stigma associated with it, though, and even a really good friend of mine thinks I shouldnt have done it. People ask, Why did you let them do that to you? and that makes me angry because the therapy helped me so much.

Having a mental illness has changed my goals a little. I dont know if I can handle as much as somebody who doesnt have an illness, so I dont take a full load of credits and I try to avoid too much stress. I havent really limited my goals, though-my doctor has always told me that I can do whatever I choose, that I shouldnt write myself off because I have a mental illness. Sometimes I think Im still getting a sense of how much I can handle at a time and gradually building myself up to more responsibilities. At this point, I feel like Im handling things really well and if theres something I want to do, I wont let myself get discouraged by my illness.

I think its important for people to hear my story because mental illness is not talked about a lot but it does occur frequently in the college population. Theres the perception that mentally ill people are crazy and violent, or that if you have to take medication, its a sign of weakness. People are ignorant about this issue; they sometimes think that people with bipolar disorder are just underachievers or arent trying hard enough. People who are facing mental illness need to know that this isnt true, that you shouldnt feel like its your fault or that you can make yourself better, because its not something you can do through will-power. A lot of people who have a mental illness dont know that its common and that there are lots of other people who have it, that theyre not alone.

Last Modified 12/22/2005