Amy's Story*

It often seems like everyone is on a diet. Thats why I didnt think I was eating strangely in 7th grade when I started skipping breakfast and lunch, eating only fat-free foods, and losing a lot of weight. Other people attributed it to my being picky or overly athletic, but I realize now that it was the beginning of my issues with food. It wasnt just about looking good; it was my way of coping with problems, especially problems with my body image. Some people drink or do drugs, but I restricted my eating or binged and purged. Things got worse in college because no one was watching me and I could do whatever I wanted. I was eating very regulated meals. I knew exactly what I would allow myself to eat: no carbs, no fat, some cereal and salad. Chicken was the most fattening thing I would eat. I was down to about 100 pounds, which isnt normal for a five foot six person. Rutgers is the kind of school where looks are really an issue-everyone is going to bars and parties and you want to look good. I thought it would make me happy to be skinny, but it made me unhappy instead. During my freshman year, I started to have health problems as a result of my eating habits. Initially when I lost weight I was excited, but then it got out of control and started affecting the rest of my life. My hair started falling out, I threw up blood, my skin was dry and my nails broke all the time, and I didnt have my period until I went on the pill. I was always tired and depressed so I cried a lot. I was constantly cold; even in the summer I would sit on my bed, dressed in fleece and wrapped in blanket, shivering. I couldnt concentrate or think because my brain wasnt being fed. At the same time, I would go to the gym when I had nothing in my body and be there for hours. Even though it had started out as wanting to look good, I got to the point where I didnt want to meet or talk to anyone. I just wanted to lay in bed all the time.

Only one of my friends told me that I was going too far. Its hard for girls to distinguish what is too skinny because everyone wants to be so skinny, especially the kind of people I was around then. My other friends thought I was being mean and in a bad mood all of the time, but they would also mention how skinny I was and say that they wished they had that kind of self-control. They were actually jealous of me. Recently one of them told my boyfriend that I used to be such a bitch. Didnt she ever think that I was acting that way because I was eating next to nothing and feeling miserable about myself? She thinks I should have been happy because I was skinny, but if she knew what it felt like, she would realize that it doesnt work that way.

When I went home, my family realized that I had a problem because I wouldnt eat meals with them. I would cry if I had to eat certain things. I wanted to cook my own food with no butter or oil. I became interested in cooking not just to control my fat intake but because I was obsessed with food. I could spend hours in the grocery store with my mom. I would make lists of things that I would allow myself to eat if I lost a certain amount of weight (although that day never came, of course). I thought, When Im skinny enough and can let myself eat again, Ill go to Friendlys and get a hamburger.

I finally got help and started gaining weight during the summer of my sophomore year. When I came back to school, I started restricting my eating again. In a way, that becomes your identity: youre the skinny person who cant eat. There were also nasty physical side effects as my body tried to adjust to eating normally. On top of feeling that I looked fat, I would feel bloated from eating regular meals. Its not a pretty picture, but people dont think of that when they are admiring girls who look too skinny. Its easier for me to remember what people said when I lost all the weight than when I gained some back. People would say, Youve gotten so tiny! and I would thank them. When I got better, people said that I looked healthier, but I didnt think of that as a compliment.

I continue to struggle with eating. Im so educated about what it means to eat healthy that I could recite the food pyramid for you, but I still feel guilty about being a normal weight. When I eat a complete days worth of meals, I feel guilty about that. No one is telling me to feel guilty because everyone wants me to eat. No one ever told me I was fat, either, but I tell myself that, even now. I think that the problem of body image is overlooked in our culture, whether the problem is being underweight or overweight. Theres a lot in our society that were told about looks and eating that leads to these problems, so people need to take it seriously.

Last Modified 12/22/2005