Deb's Story

In my hometown, everybody did the same things, had the same culture and the same religion. A lot of people from my high school came to Rutgers, but I wanted something new and I was anxious to meet new people. In my freshman dorm, I met people with completely different belief systems and lifestyles from what I was used to, and that was really attractive. I became close friends with four girls from my floor and by my junior year, we were planning to move off campus together. I was excited about living with them, but two days before school started, I got an offer to be a hall director. I really wanted the job because I love working with people. I also felt like it was the next step for me because I had been a supervisor over the summer. I thought my friends would be excited for me-after all, they were my best friends and I knew I would have been happy for any of them if the situation had been reversed. Instead, they were angry. They interpreted it as if I just wanted to get out of living with them and leave them holding the rent bill. I still wanted to be their friend, so I said that I would find someone to take replace me. In the process, I realized that they didnt care about me at all; they were just worried about themselves. I was trying so hard for them to like me that I didnt like what I was doing for myself, so I stopped. I found someone to take my place in the apartment and I moved on. I had to choose between myself or them; I chose myself and I will never regret that.

I had always known that there was something lacking in those friendships, but I had this idea that those girls had to like me, for some reason. I wasnt being myself, and eventually that sunk in. When I first came to Rutgers, I tried to be this extremely fun, easy-going, all-around lovable person but there are times when Im just not that way. Sometimes I want to stay home on a Friday night and do my chemistry homework. I was trying to be too happy and too nice to everyone, and that wasnt me. I think my friends were using fake personalities at first, too, but after a while things started changing and I realized that the friendships werent working very well. My friends made me feel guilty a lot, for example. If I wanted to go out with my boyfriend, or study, or even stay home by myself instead of going out with them, I felt guilty. Once we were supposed to go to a club in New York City and I didnt want to go. One of my friends said, I would really like it if you would go, and I think it would be good for us to spend time together. I didnt have enough guts to stand up to her, so I tried making up stupid excuses-I said that I didnt feel good and I didnt feel like taking the train. But in the end, I went along. I went to a club to make someone else happy-now I recognize that it just doesnt make any sense.

I think part of the problem was the dorm environment and the insecurity that comes with starting college. At first, no one is really being themselves and everyone wants to have friends. You can only weed out people slowly and the friends you have the first few weeks usually change as people start forming their own groups. I was lonely and I wanted so much to make new friends that I cared more about them being different from my high school friends than I did about whether they were good friends. I wasnt as selective as I would have been otherwise. Living on campus is an unusual experience because youre with the same people all of the time-theyre on your floor, in your classes, at your job, and in the same social situations. Its not like at home, when you could be a different person in different environments. In the dorm, youre only allowed one definition of yourself.

The hardest part of losing my friends was starting from scratch. It was like freshman year all over again, but this time I had some tools. I knew that it was important to focus on quality and not quantity-Id rather have one good friend than ten acquaintances. The most important thing I learned is that theres always a way out. I felt like I was tied down in those friendships, but now I know that I have the option of getting out and finding other friends. I think this is healthy knowledge to have because if I ever form a relationship-with a friend, boyfriend, or whomever-I know that I dont have to stay there if it isnt working out. This experience has also taught me not to be afraid of peoples responses to who I am. If they dont like me, it doesnt really matter because I like myself. The real problem would be if I didnt!

Last Modified 12/22/2005