Gil's Story

My grandfather died when my mother was young, so she lived on a poor farm with her mother and siblings. Daughters werent seen as valuable in Korea at that time, so my mother went to America for greater opportunity. She met my father, who was from a more affluent family in the city of Seoul, and was serving in the Korean army-it was a classic romance between the city guy and the beautiful farmers daughter. After their first date, they corresponded and visited each other for a couple of years, traveling between the two countries. Twenty years ago, they got married in Korea and moved to America. Because the educational system in Korea wasnt that great, my parents had to learn English after moving to America. Ive always seen my dad as a take-charge kind of guy and the boss, but when they first moved here he had to work in a factory because he couldnt speak the language well. When I was born, my parents tried to immerse me in the American mainstream. They thought it would be easier for me if I could communicate in English better than they could. They also encouraged me to watch the American History channel and PBS, but at the same time they wanted me to learn Korean and find out about Korean history and culture. Sometimes my dad would tell me about life in Korea, but it was mostly regular family stuff and didnt seem that interesting. My grandparents lived through some of the most important events in recent Korean history-a civil war and the Japanese occupation-but I tried not to ask them about their past because that would bring back the pain and suffering of an entire generation. They still have nightmares.

I grew up in Piscataway, which is ethnically diverse, but the Koreans I knew were in my own family. Most people believe that all Asians click together automatically, but I was the only Korean in my grade and most of the other Koreans in my school were related to me. I felt like I was always outside the boundaries. It was daunting to feel that I was the only Korean in my situation; I wanted to be part of a group but I didnt feel like I had a right to belong to a group other than that of my race and heritage. I made my first Korean friend in college. I found people similar to me, people with a common pride, a common heritage, and, often, a common experience with bias.

I never experienced the kind of prejudice that you hear about in civil rights documentaries; there were no screaming guys in white hoods, just insensitivity. I feel that the Korean people have been ignored and our history underrated. Weve survived countless invasions and maintained a homogenous society, but were only remembered for the Korean War or the Seoul Olympics. That seems like an institutional bias, but there were also more personal instances. In high school, I walked into a classroom to get a folder that Id forgotten and a kid said, Hey, Chinaman, get out! He started mocking the Chinese language, which insulted me doubly because Im not Chinese. I remember feeling disbelief; I thought high school would be like Beverly Hills 90210. There might be drugs or gangs, but nothing as old and stupid as racism.

I spent my freshman year at Rutgers indulging myself in my culture and my people, but I didnt really belong there either. I wasnt into Korean pop culture and I had a different belief system from many Koreans. I wasnt totally either Korean or American. In America, for example, people seem to value individuality, material acquisition, and social status, while Korean society is more collective, seeing family as the highest consideration. Im Gil, an individual, but Im also the first-born son of the Kims in this country, so I must succeed in order for my family to succeed. That means that I have a special consideration for my family when I do anything; I wont break the law or do something that might bring shame to my family, even when my friends are acting that way. I dont feel a personal connection to that value, but I see it as an obligation and I honor it.

Sometimes my two identities are at odds, usually in subtle ways. Its hard to think about where my loyalties lie-for example, if the United States went to war with Korea, on which side would I fight? Ive always assumed that I wouldnt have to choose between my heritages, but its getting more difficult as I get older. Do I go back into the American mainstream (buy a house in the suburbs and take my son to Boy Scout meetings, for instance) or do I partake in the rising Korean awareness movement? The biggest issue confronting me now is marriage: should I marry a Korean woman? I dont feel that my parents would object if I didnt, although my mom says that I should try to marry a Korean because no American girl would take care of me like she does. Its not just that, though. Its a Korean custom that the oldest son takes care of the parents and I am actually looking forward to having them live with me and help raise my children in a very close-knit environment, but I dont think an American woman would like the idea of my parents moving in with us. Most American women are very independent-minded; they want a career and they want to break out of traditional gender roles, which I find very cool, but how would that play with my family? When I think about the future, there are a lot of ifs and complications-nothing is straightforward.

Last Modified 12/22/2005