Gina's Story

I dont know if I was in denial, but I didnt realize for about six years that my parents had a drug problem. Its not something you usually think about with your parents. They had both lost their jobs at around the same time, without getting new ones. And over the past five or six years, they have both been arrested for shoplifting. I thought they were just depressed because we didnt have enough money. Then, on my first day in therapy, my therapist asked me if there were any drugs or alcohol involved in my parents behavior. I wasnt sure, and I didnt accept that right away. I became a little more suspicious about everything and became more investigative. I found some glass tubes in our house and one of my brothers friends said that they were crack vials. I also found a paper bag full of syringes in the basement. I didnt know what to do with them, so I hid them in my room. They are still there. I havent confronted my parents yet, but I do want to. I worry about my younger brother who is still living at home. I worry about his basic needs because sometimes my parents dont feed him or realize if he is home or not. As it is, bills go unpaid and every month the gas and water bills come with a SHUT OFF NOTICE in big, bold lettering. Im also afraid of what might happen to him if my parents get taken away. When I lived at home, things used to go missing from my room-especially money and jewelry. If I asked my parents what happened to my paycheck, theyd just say, What paycheck? and act dumbfounded. So I would accuse my brother of taking it, and my parents would let him take the blame. Once I had borrowed a friends car and locked my pocketbook inside, thinking that it would be safer there than in my room. As I was walking downstairs that day, my mom pulled down the shade on the window that overlooks the driveway. Later, when I went outside, my pocketbook was empty. I realized that my mom had pulled the shade to keep me from seeing my father taking my money. Since I have come to college, I have had a lock put on my door because I do not trust them. Its upsetting to think that I cant even trust my own parents.

Sometimes I feel so alone. I feel like I dont have anybody that cares about me. Im jealous of other peoples parents, of the way that they can call them up to talk, cry, or ask for money. Im trying to get past that, but its hard. Even general conversation can be difficult, like when people ask what my parents do for a living. I just try to avoid the entire subject of parents as much as possible. Ive talked to a few friends about my situation, but only people who are really close to me because Im afraid of being judged or hurt. I dont think they understand the full effect of it and the burden it puts on me. Along with one-on-one therapy, Ive also been going to a group for adult children of alcoholics. But sometimes the group makes me feel more alone because no one else has parents with a drug addiction. My parents just ignored my two younger brothers and I because they were doing their own thing-finding ways to finance and obtain their addictive substances. I would rather have been bothered, because at least then Id be getting attention.

I dont hate my parents, but sometimes I look down on them because they have turned their lives over to drugs. My dad was an alcoholic earlier in his life and even though he got clean, an addiction is not something you get rid of. I feel more sympathetic towards my mom because her parents were alcoholics and when she was my age she was in therapy. Its terrible that she tried to break the cycle and ended up using drugs anyway, getting sucked into my dads despair. I feel bad for her, but Im also angry. My brothers and I lost out on our chance to have a happy childhood and adolescence. It wasnt always like this, but all I can remember now are the bad times, not the good times.

Im only 21 and Ive been through so much. My experience has made me stronger and Im kind of glad for that, even though I wish it hadnt happened the way it did. I have taken on a lot of responsibility, putting myself through college and paying off a car loan, without any support or assistance. Yet I have been so busy just surviving, just putting one foot in front of the other, that I havent had time to think about my future. I will be graduating in May and I dont know what I want to do. I havent had much time to think about me at all. I dont feel like I even know who I am, apart from all these things that have happened to me. Only time and therapy will make me feel better and lessen these hurts that I feel.

Last Modified 12/22/2005