Jessica's Story

My stepfather is an alcoholic. My mom remarried when I was six, and initially I just wanted to like him because the divorce and remarriage were so difficult for me. I think I wanted everything to be happy, so I pretended to like him and completely ignored the fact that he had a problem. I realized when I was ten or twelve that he was an alcoholic and my reaction was pretty extreme. I absolutely hated him, I hated anyone who put a drink near their mouths, I hated any place that served alcohol or anything that had to do with alcohol. I couldnt even talk to my stepfather. Its hard to respect someone who is completely intoxicated and cant talk straight, especially when you know that he wont remember anything in the morning. Its not like you can tell your parents to get better; they wont do it anyway. He still denies that he has a problem. My mom knows that he is an alcoholic and she reacts negatively to anything having to do with him, but she makes up excuses not to go to Al-Anon meetings. I was looking for help myself, but there didnt seem to be any programs that applied to me. When I heard about Alateen-a support program a lot like AA and Al-Anon that is run for and by teens-I knew it was something that would help not only me but lots of kids I knew. As a senior Girl Scout, I was also looking for a community service project to do for the Gold Award, which is the highest award that you can get. A lot of people do one-time things, like clothing drives or educational seminars, but I wanted to do something on-going. I wanted to leave something behind that didnt necessarily say Jessica did this but kept helping the entire community. I decided to start an Alateen program in my town to help myself and others.

At my first meeting, we had three people, including me and my sponsor. At our second meeting, we had a few children of Al-Anon members. I was really nervous that time, but I always had the jitters, especially when I would talk about my personal experience because I felt so vulnerable. I was a little older than most of the kids who came to the meetings, so I couldnt talk about everything that applied to my life. I wanted to make sure that they were understanding and that I was helping them, but I was also worried about what they thought of me. Did they think I was cool? A nerd? Did they understand or believe in the Alateen approach? My sponsor told me that I was a role model, and I thought that was an enormous responsibility-I even thought about backing out because of the pressure to be perfect no matter where I went and to do the right thing all of the time. I felt like I had to give the right advice because they put all their hope in me, but I wasnt sure I had all the answers. My sponsor backed me up, though, and put in her experience and knowledge. By the time I left the group to come to college, we regularly had more than a dozen people at meetings.

After I had done a substantial amount of work with the Alateen group, I applied for the Gold Award. I had to send in a lot of paperwork describing the project, which was difficult because the names of all the people involved were supposed to be confidential. I did a survey of the group, asking them whether it helped and whether they would recommend it to others. The positive response was incredible-they said that it was helpful to hear others stories because it made them feel less alone and when they thought their situation was the worst in the world, hearing other stories put things in perspective. When I got the Gold Award, there was a big ceremony-there were probably at least 200 people there. My family came, which made it harder to talk about why I started the group, but I felt that what I had done would seem meaningless if I didnt talk about my own situation. So I talked about what the group was, about my own difficulties living with an alcoholic, and about the hardest part of starting the group, trying to help others when I needed help, too. I cried through the whole thing.

My stepfather wasnt at the ceremony; he said he had to work that day. To him, I went to meetings because it was my project, not because I thought there was a problem in our family. I have a younger half-brother, though, who sometimes came with me. Now I think my brother is afraid to go to the meetings without being able to use me as a cover, even though he could use the support. Theyve had some major conflicts recently. Once my stepfather showed up drunk at one of my brothers sporting events and called my brother by a family nickname-one of those nicknames that should never leave the house. My brother was so embarrassed and infuriated that he stopped talking to everyone for a while. I think hell go back to the group eventually, but he has to feel that he needs it.

One of the things that keeps me going is the hope that my mom and stepfather will separate one day. My mom is miserable with things the way they are and sometimes talks about leaving my stepfather. On the other hand, I admire that shes trying to raise my brother and sister in a household with two parents. She saw what happened to me and shes trying to keep the same thing from happening to them. I was often jealous of what my brother and sister have, even though they didnt always get along with each other or with their parents. I think my stepfather sees the separation coming because he talks about it sometimes, too. It helps to think that my family wont be like this forever.

Last Modified 12/22/2005