When I was five, my father began molesting me and my sister. He threatened us, saying that if we told our mother that he would do something bad to her and she would die, so we didnt tell our mother until a year or two later. Before we told her, though, she suspected that something was wrong. She worked the day shift and he worked the night shift, and my grandmother watched us in between. When we saw my fathers headlights, we would start crying and screaming for her not to leave.

There was never a moment when my mom didnt believe us. She confronted my dad, but he denied it. She got a divorce, but my dad fought for custody of usnot because he really wanted us but because he was trying to get back at my mother. Because we refused to see our father, the courts insisted that my mom was brainwashing us. We left the state at one point with our aunt because she was going to put us in hiding, but the police found out that we were in another state and my mom was put in jail for kidnapping us. Even worse, my father was awarded custody. We lived with him and his family for two years. He didnt molest us again, but those were still the two worst years of my life. I felt completely powerless. I got through it by looking forward to the weekends when my mom had visitation.

I cant explain how lucky I feel to have had my mother. She was very upset about what happened, but she had tremendous will power and she worked very hard to get us back, and she was finally successful. I never realized how much I needed her, though, until she died when I was in high school. She was very sick, and I know now that things turned out for the best, even though I am still mourning her. Now I can look back more objectively and realize how much I have changed since her death.

When she died, I never thought I would go to college. Now, though, I feel good about being here because its a whole new set of opportunities and it allows me to have a new perspective on life. Being in college has made me realize that the past affects who I am but does not determine my future. After what I experienced, I had to learn how to go on and make something of my life that I could be proud of. I have seen people who just lose their whole lives because of negative experiences, but I feel that this happened to me to make me a stronger and better person.

Because of what my father did to me, I have trouble trusting other people. Im pretty shy, and sometimes people think that I am shutting myself off from them. I think, though, that you have to be careful with your trust. The world is not a fair place, and not everyone will be nice; there are people who will betray you. Of course my experiences have impacted my dating life, too, but not necessarily in a bad way. Im more picky than most of my friends and, because I have high standards, I dont date as much as other people do. I think sometimes people get too lonely or tired of being alone, but that is not a good reason to go out with someoneyou need to respect yourself first.  

Being molested by my father sets me apart from a lot of people, because its such a significant experience and not everyone has gone through something like that. People dont know about it or understand it, and they usually dont want to talk about it. I always have to make a choice about when (or whether) to tell people after I meet them. Most of my friends say that they respect me more after hearing my story; theyre always a little surprised but it seems to help explain why I dont trust others or open up to them easily.

I dont have a clear memory of everything that my father did to me, but sometimes I suddenly remember a part of it and get horrified. Because the events are fuzzy in my head, I have read some of the court documents and psychological reports from the custody case. Its hard for me to read them because they are so personal. The things I said that my father did to me are so disturbing that I couldnt read all of them straight through, but I had to stop and come back to it later. My father never admitted doing anything to my sister or me; he just said, I know that you feel I did these things and Im sorry you feel that way, but we both know these things never happened. I think he has denied it so often that, to him, it never happened. He never went to jail or was really held accountable. He never apologized.

He sends me money on my birthday, but I dont think that he would truly be interested in having a relationship with me, and Im certainly not interested in having one with him. Some bad things have happened in my life, but some good things tooits really a miracle that my mother got custody of us, and that Ive been able to get on with my life and be where I am today. I feel like Ive overcome a lot, more than most people my age, and that I am a stronger, more mature person. I have the ability to be a loyal friend and an honest person.