Merrie's Story

I have been legally blind since I was born. Theres not a good word to describe it-I dont like disability or impairment-but sometimes I say that Im partially sighted. I will never be able to drive, or to live in a city that doesnt have a public transportation system. I have to have special stickers with larger letters on my computer keyboard. To read my textbooks, I have to hold them so close to my face that they almost touch my nose. I have to ask my professors to say everything that is written on the board or on overheads so that I can write it down-I have a monocular that I use to read sometimes, but it causes a spectacle in the classroom so I try to avoid using it. My parents tried to pretend that I was normal; I guess that no one wants to think that their child isnt normal, but Im not. I sometimes want to ask them why they didnt put me in a program to teach me Braille or how to deal with this, but I know they did the best they could and thats okay even though it was the wrong way to handle it. The community I grew up in was mostly white upper middle class and the kids didnt accept differences very well. I didnt have many friends and other kids made fun of me a lot. In seventh grade, I had one of my first experiences with drinking at a party in downtown Denver. I was raped there by two men, both over 21. I was completely inebriated but it was a very sobering experience. I fell asleep afterwards and when I woke up in the morning, I remembered everything. I had told my parents that I was spending the night at a girlfriends, so when they came to pick me up I had to pretend that we had been watching movies and eating Doritos all night. I didnt tell anyone, because who was I going to tell? My parents would have grounded me for being at the party, and I didnt have any friends to talk to about it. I knew that if I told anyone I would have to go to the hospital and get tests, when all I wanted to do was take a shower and go to sleep.

Someone who had been at the party told everyone that I had initiated the sex, so I was considered a slut. Then in 9^th grade we had to give a speech in drama class about a life-changing experience and I decided to tell about the rape for the first time. I had huge fears about speaking in front of people because of my eyesight, but I needed to make it clear to myself and to others that what everyone was saying about the rape was not what had happened. I told the story as if it were about a friend, but everyone knew that I was talking about myself. I just narrated the facts, I didnt say anything about how I felt, but I still started crying and had to run out of the classroom. I dont know if everyone believed me, but at least they heard about my experience from me.

High school seemed like a continuation of people discriminating against me and making me feel bad for who I was, so I graduated early and went away to college in order to rediscover my life in a different context. Im having the time of my life here, partly because everyone is different in some way. It was a growing experience to start somewhere new and have people discover me. I had known the people in my high school for most of my life, and they knew who they thought I was. Here it was less about my past and what they had heard about me, so it was a more relaxed situation for forming friendships.

I wouldnt change anything because I am who I am as a result of my experiences. Every year I get depressed about the limitations on my life because of my eyesight, but on the other hand I dont have a car payment and I dont have to pay car insurance. Its not unfair, its just another life experience. I understand things differently than sighted people, and thats something positive. When sighted people see someone coming, they recognize the person by their face as a friend or a stranger. I have learned to recognize people by their shape, their figure against the sun, the way they talk, the way they carry themselves. Most people dont take the time to observe those things, to notice the other aspects of a persons character, physical or otherwise, but I have to. I want to work in the non-profit sector because I feel like Ive been very lucky in my life-Ive always had a roof over my head, food, and people who loved me, even if it was only a few-and lots of people dont have that, they dont have anybody. If I can make it easier for someone else, thats all I want. If I can put a smile on someones face who wouldnt have smiled otherwise, thats an amazing feat and thats what I want to do.

Last Modified 12/22/2005