Raj's Story*

During my junior year in high school, I started asking other students for a gun so that I could kill myself. I dont know if I would really have committed suicide, but it was definitely a cry for help. I was under a lot of stress and feeling depressed. My family had emigrated from India when I was nine years old, and I had a little trouble fitting in. Other kids would make fun of my name, for example. I was also putting pressure on myself to perform well in school; my goal is to be perfect in all academic areas. In addition, there were some family problems; throughout my childhood, I had been responsible for the paperwork and the bills in our house, which made me feel like an adult at an early age. In retrospect, I realize that I wasnt thinking in a normal or practical way. I was almost in a psychotic mode; I used to punch holes in the wall at my house. I also had a social phobia, which made it hard to meet and interact with people, especially people I didnt know well. In social situations, my heart beats faster and I feel a big strain in my head. I start thinking, What am I supposed to do now? Should I walk up to someone and start talking? What should I say? I would usually end up standing in a corner or sitting in one place the entire time. I dont even know how many factors contributed to how I felt-these are just a few that stand out and that brought me to the point where I was asking for a gun. One kid said that he could get it for me in a few days, but instead he told one of my teachers. My teacher told my counselor, who told my parents. They were horrified; this kind of thing doesnt happen in Indian families, or it is hidden if it does happen. They realized that I needed help, though, so they sent me to a mental clinic. They told me that I would just be going to talk to someone and see if they could help me. I went there and the nurse kept giving me more paperwork to fill out. Finally, I asked when I was going to be able to go home and she told me that I had to stay there. For a while I had a lot of hatred towards my mom for tricking me into the hospitalization, but I realize now that she didnt have a choice.

At first, I felt terrible about being in the hospital-I thought that I didnt belong there and didnt need to be there. It was a slow process, but I realized that there was more to life than excelling in education and making a six-figure salary. I saw that it was impossible to put problems on a scale; its really in the eye of the beholder, the person having the problem and how it feels to them. At the same time, I knew that I was lucky in a way because many of the other kids had parents who were not supportive or who were divorced, while I had my family behind me.

One of the things that really helped me was working with the little kids at the hospital. As part of my treatment, my therapist had me volunteer in the childrens unit once a week. I would read stories or put on magic shows to entertain them. Most of the kids had unstable family situations and they knew that the therapists were helping them as part of the system at the hospital. I think the kids looked forward to seeing me because they knew I was coming to spend time with them because I wanted to and not because I had to. Im not sure why volunteering with the kids helped me; I guess its because they dont judge people based on their career or academic achievements, or how you look or dress. Kids are more honest and they are just interested in having fun.

I spent my senior year in the hospital, and after I got out I took things step by step. I went to Project Graduation for my high school, which is an all night event. It was just too much to deal with, and around 2 am I started crying and couldnt stop. I had to call my parents to come pick me up. After that, I took things slowly and my life was somewhat normal. I went to Middlesex County College and took a light load of credits. My second year there, I worked as a tutor in the math and sciences and that helped me to come out of my shell and feel more comfortable interacting with people. When I came to Rutgers, it was hard because the university seemed huge. I had trouble concentrating on my schoolwork and dealing with the emotional aspects of adjusting at the same time. I was a biochemistry major, which was adding to my stress, but I eventually switched to majoring in economics and statistics. My new major involves more math, which I enjoy.

My mental health continues to affect my life in some negative ways-interviews dont go well, I cant relax in social situations, and I have trouble concentrating on academics. Theres no bandage for this disease, nothing you can put on it to heal the wound. I get upset thinking about what my life might be like if I were perfectly okay. I feel that I should be at the top of the class, going to an Ivy League school, and that I need to get a six figure salary as soon as possible. On the other hand, I think that I need to be happy with myself before I can achieve those things. My goal is to be as happy as Bill Gates is rich, but I still think that it will be difficult for me to be completely happy without academic and financial success.

Last Modified 12/22/2005